There was a young man from Nantucket Whose dick was so long he could suck it He once said with a grin as he wiped off his chin "If my ear were a cunt, I would fuck it!" There once was a kiddie named Carr Caught a man on top of his mar. As he saw him stick 'er He said with a snicker, "You do it much faster than par." Winter is here with his grouch, The time when you sneeze and slouch. You can't take your women Canoein' or swimmin', But a lot can be done on a couch. There was a young lady named Maud A terrible society fraud: In company, I'm told She was awfully cold. But if you got her alone, Oh God! There was a young dolly named Molly Who thought that to frig was folly. Said she, "Your pee-pee Means nothing to me, But I'll do it just to be jolly." There was a young plumber of Leigh Who was plumbing a girl by the sea. She said, "Stop your plumbing, There's somebody coming!" Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." There was a young lady of Twickenham Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em. On her knees every day To God she would pray To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em. There was a young man of Ostend Whose wife caught him fucking her friend. "It's no use, my duck, Interrupting our fuck, For I'm damned if I draw till I spend." There was a young man of Natal Who was fucking a Hottentot gal. Said she, "You're a sluggard!" Said he, "You be buggered! I like to fuck slow, and I shall." There was a young sailor from Brighton Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one." She replied, " 'Pon my soul, You're in the wrong hole; There's plenty of room in the right one." There once was a young girl named Sapphire, Who succumbed to her lover's desire. She said,"It's a sin, But now that it's in, Could you shove it a few inches higher?" There was a young lady of Exeter, So pretty, that men craned their necks at her. One was even so brave As to take out and wave The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. There was a young lady of Gloucester, Met a passionate fellow who tossed her. She wasn't much hurt, But he dirtied her skirt, So think of the anguish it cost her. There was a young man of Ostend Who let a girl play with his end. She took hold of Rover, And felt it all over, And it did what she didn't intend. Said an innocent girlie named Shelley as a man rolled her onto her belly "This is not the position for human coition, And _why_ the petroleum jelly?" A visiting scholar at Yale Was in search of a fresh piece of tail. He found in his classes Both girl and boy asses -- Now he spends all his spare time in jail On a date with a lad, young Miss Flow When asked for a fuck answered "No! You can go second class -- Shove your prick up my ass -- I'm saving my cunt for my beau." The Grecians were famed for fine art, and buildings and stonework so smart. They distinguished with poise The men from the boys, and used crowbars to keep them apart. On May Day, the girls of Penzance, Being bored with the lack of romance, Joined the Workers' Parade With their banner displayed -- "What the Pants of Penzance need is Ants!" A lissom psychotic named Jane Once kissed every man on a train; Said she: "Please don't panic! I'm just nymphomanic. It wouldn't be fun were I sane." There was a young lady called Harris, That nothing could ever embarrass; Till the bath-salts one day In the tub where she lay Turned out to be plaster of Paris. Ogden Nash Said Freud: "I've discovered the Id. Of all your repressions be rid. It won't ease the gravity Of all the depravity, But you'll know why you did what you did." Frank Richards Oedipus said to the Sphinx: "My name's been perverted by shrinks. Who'd think Jocasta'd Call me a bastard? I think psychiatry stinks." Victor Gray From the depths of the crypt at St. Giles Came a scream that echoed for miles. Said the Vicar: "Good gracious! Has Father Ignatius Forgotten the Bishop has piles?" A Salvation lassie named Claire Was having her first love affair. As she climbed into bed, She rev'rently said: "I wish to be opened with prayer." Mr. Alan Jay Learner (with by-play) Made _Pygmalion_ less of a dry play; Seraph Shaw, near hysterics, On hearing his lyrics, Shocked Heaven with: "Not bloody my play!" J.A.Lindon Said Tennyson: "Yes, _Locksley_Hall's_ A story that always enthralls, For it comes down to this -- She gave me a kiss, And then a good kick in the balls." Victor Gray On the chest of a barmaid in Sale Were tattooed the prices of ale, And on her behind, For the sake of the blind, Was the same information in Braille. A man from the _Washington_Post_ Once had it off with a ghost; At the height of orgasm The pale ectoplasm Shrieked: "Coming! I'm coming...almost!" Anthony Burgess When he raped a young maid in a train, They arrested a fellow named Blaine; But the ex-virgin cried: "That's for me to decide, And I'd be the last to complain." "On the beach," said John sadly, "there's such A thing as revealing too much." So he closed both his eyes At the ranks of bare thighs, And felt his way through them by touch." Isaac Asimov A cautious young fellow named Lodge Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. When his date was strapped in, He committed a sin, Without even leaving his grodge. There was a young sailor from Brighton Who said to his bird, "You're a tight'un." She replied, "'Pon my soul, You're in the wrong hole There's plenty of room in the right'un." A dentist, young doctor Malone, Got a charming girl patient alone, And, in his depravity, Filled the wrong cavity. God, how his practice has grown. There was a young woman of Cheadle, Who once gave the clap to a beadle. Said she, "Does it itch?" "It does, you damned bitch, And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle." Said a swinging young chick named Lyth Whose virtue was largely a myth, "Try as hard as I can, I can't find a man That it's fun to be virtuous with." There was a young man from Racine Who invented a fucking machine. Concave or convex, It served either sex, But oh what a bitch to keep clean. An ambitious lady named Harriet Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot By seventeen sailors A monk and three tailors, Mohammed and Judas Iscariot. There was a gay countess of Bray, And you may think it odd when I say, That in spite of high station, Rank and education, She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. A talented girl from Detroit Could fuck you in ways quite adroit. She could squeeze her vagina To a pin-point or finer Or open it out like a quoit. There once was a plumber from Leigh, Who was plumbing his maid by the sea, Said she, "Please stop plumbing, I think someone's coming!" Said he, "Yes, I know, love, it's me." here was a young man named Crockett Whose balls got caught in a socket. His wife was a bitch, And she threw the switch, As Crockett went off like a rocket. There once was a lawyer named Rex, With a minuscule organ of sex. When arraigned for exposure He maintained with composure, "De minimis non curat lex." There was a young lady at sea Who complained that it hurt her to pee. Said the brawny old mate, "That accounts for the state Of the cook and the captain and me." A widow who fancied a man some Was diddled three times in a hansome. When she clamored for more Her young man became sore And exclaimed "My name's Simson not Samson." There once was a lady named Myrtle Who had an affair with a turtle. She had crabs, so they say, In a year and a day Which proved that that turtle was fertile. A handsome young fellow named Morris, While licking his girlfriend's clitoris, Said to the lass, ``Honey, You sure do taste funny.'' Said she, ``I've just douched with Lavoris.'' A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux Fell in love with a dashing young beau. To arrest his regard She would squat in his yard And longingly pee in the sneaux. Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham And the scandal that's currently concerning'em? How they lift the frock And tickle the cock Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em? There was a poor parson from Goring, Who made a small hole in his flooring, Fur-lined it all round, Then laid on the ground, And declared it was cheaper than whoring. There was a young man of Lake Placid Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid. When he wanted to sport He would have to resort To injections of sulphuric acid. There was a young monk of Dundee Who complained that it hurt him to pee, He said, "Pax vobiscum, Now why won't the piss come? I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p." Who had warts all over his root. He put acid on these And now when he pees, He fingers the thing like a flute. A frustrated lady named Alice Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. They found her vagina In North Carolina And bits of her tits were in Dallas. There was a young girl who begat Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat. T'was fun in the breeding But hell in the feeding When she found there's no tit for Tat. There was a young man named Laplace Whose balls were made out of spun glass. When they banged together They played "Stormy Weather" And lightning shot out of his ass. There was a young girl from Samoa Who pledged that no man would know her. One young fellow tried, But she wriggled aside, And he spilled all his spermatozoa. On the breasts of a harlot from Yale Was tatooed the price of her tail And on her behind, For the sake of the blind, Was the same information in Braille. A pretty young lady named Vogel Once sat herself down on a molehill. A curious mole Nosed into her hole -- Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. There was a young girl named Sapphire Who succumbed to her lover's desire. She said, "It's a sin, But now that it's in, Could you shove it a few inches higher?" An amazon giantess named Dunne Let a midget screw her for fun. But the poor little runt Was engulfed in her cunt And re-born as the twin of his son. A mathematician named Hall Has a hexahedronical ball, And the cube of its weight Times his pecker's, plus eight Is his phone number -- give him a call.. Oh pity the prince, Montezuma He tried to make love to a puma. Seems the puma, in play, Tore his testes away - - An example of animal huma. A clever young man named Eugene Invented a jack-off machine. On the twenty-third stroke The goddam thing broke And beat both his balls to a creame. A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? I am not I, I'm a tree." But another, more sane, Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" And covered his pants leg with pee. There once was a man named Kent, Whose cock was so long that it bent. And so, to save trouble, He put it in double; Instead of coming, he went. >Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham >And the scandal that's currently concerning'em? > How they lift the frock > And tickle the cock >Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em? > This is only one verse of three..allow me to elaborate: There were three young ladies of Birmingham And this is the scandal concerning 'em They lifted the frock And tickled the cock Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. Now the Bishop was nobody's fool He'd been to a good public school So he lifted their britches and buggered those bitches With his eight-inch episcopal tool. A young woman in the first pew Remarked as the bishop withdrew The Vicar is quicker And thicker and slicker And longer and stronger than you! There once was a rabbi from Keith, Who circumcised men with his teeth, Not for his leisure, Nor sexual pleasure, But for the cheese underneath. There once was a lady from Wheeling, Who professed to lack sexual feeling. Then a cynic named Boris, Simply touched her clitoris, And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. There once was a man from Franzini, Who spilled some gin on his weenie. Not being uncouth, He added vermouth, And slipped his date a martini. THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN FROM KENTUCKET WHOSE DICK WAS SO LONG HE COULD SUCK IT SAID HE WITH A GRIN WIPING SPUNK OFF HIS CHIN IF MY EAR WAS A CUNT I COULD F U C K I T ! There was a young girl in Berlin Who was fucked by an elderly Finn. Though he diddled his best, And fucked her with zest, She kept asking,"Hey, Pop, is it in?" I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda, I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder. She said it was crude To be wooed in the nude I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her! There was a young sailor from Brighton Who said to his girl, "You're a tight one." She replied, "'Pon my soul You're in the wrong hole There`s plenty of room in the right one." A young woman got married at Chester, Her mother she kissed and she blessed her. Says she, "You`re in luck, He's a stunning good fuck, For I've had him myself down in Leicester." There was a young lady of Dover Whose passion was such that it drove her. To cry, when you came, "Oh dear! What a shame! Well, now we shall have to start over." There was a young fellow named Goody Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he? If he found himself nude With a gal in the mood, The question's not would he but could he? A pansy who lived in Khartoum Took a lesbian up to his room, And they argued all night Over who had the right To do what, and with which, and to whom. There was a young plumber of Leigh Who was plumbing a girl by the sea. She said, "Stop your plumbing, There's somebody coming!", Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." Said a lecherous fellow named Shea, When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay, "You must seize it, and squeeze it, And tease it, and please it For Rome wasn't built in a day." The spouse of a pretty young thing Came home from the wars in the spring. He was lame but he came With his dame like a flame Discharge is a wonderful thing. The limerick form is complex Its contents run chiefly to sex. It burgeons with virgins And masculine urgeons, And swarms with erotic f/x. There was a young fellow named Lancelot, Who his neighbors all looked on askance alot Whenever he'd pass A presentable lass, The front of his pants would advance a lot. In the Garden of Eden lay Adam, Complacently stroking his madam, And loud was his mirth For on all of the earth, There were only two balls -- and he had 'em. There was a young girl of Cah'lina, Had a very capricious vagina: To the shock of the fucker 'Twould suddenly pucker," And whistle the chorus of "Dinah." The nipples of Sarah Sarong, When excited, are twelve inches long. This embarrassed her lover Who was pained to discover! She expected no less of his dong. There was a young idler named Blood, Made a fortune performing at stud, With a fifteen-inch peter, A double-beat metre, And a load like the Biblical Flood. There was a young woman in Dee Who stayed with each man she did see. When it came to a test She wished to be best, And practice makes perfect, you see. A young man with passions quite gingery Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. He slapped her behind And made up his mind To add incest to insult and injury. If you're speaking of actions immoral Then how about giving the laurel To doughty Queen Esther, No three men could best her One fore, and one aft, and one oral. There was a young man of Kildare Who was fucking a girl on the stair. The bannister broke, But he doubled his stroke And finished her off in mid-air. A remarkable race are the Persians, They have such peculiar diversions. They screw the whole day In the regular way, And save up the nights for perversions. King Louis gave a lesson in Class One time he was sexing a lass. When she used the word "Damn"" He rebuked her: "Please ma'am, Keep a more civil tongue in my ass." There was a young man of Nantucket Whose prick was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, "If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it." There was a young fellow named Tucker Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker, Said, "Don't bow out your lips Like an elephant's hips, The boys like it best when they pucker." There was a young monk from Siberia Whose morals were very inferior. He did to a nun What he shouldn't have done, And now she's a Mother Superior. There was a young girl named Anheuser Who said that no man could surprise her. But Pabst took a chance, Found Schlitz in her pants, And now she is sadder Budweiser. A salvation Lassie named Claire Was having her first love affair. As she climbed into bed She reverently said, "I wish to be opened with prayer." There was a young fellow named Gluck Who found himself shit out of luck. Though he petted and wooed, When he tried to get screwed He found virgins just don't give a fuck. There was a young girl from Sofia Who succumbed to her lover's desire. She said, "It's a sin, But now that it's in, Could you shove it a few inches higher?" There was a young girl who begat' Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat. It was fun in the breeding But hell in the feeding, When she found there was no tit for Tat. There was a young lady of Maine Who declared she'd a man on the brain. But you knew from the view Of the way her waist grew, It was not on her brain that he'd lain. There once was a floozie named Annie Whose prices were cosy -- but canny : A buck for a fuck, Fifty cents for a suck, And a dime for a feel of her fanny. There was a young lady from Cue Who filled her vagina with glue. She said with a grin, "If they pay to get in, They'll pay to get out of it too." A harlot of note named Le Dux Would always charge seventy bucks, But for that she would suck you, And wink-off and fuck you The whole thing was simply de luxe! There was an old whore named McGee Who was just the right sort for a spree. She said, "For a fuck I charge half a buck, And I throw in the ass-hole for free." A licentious old justice of Salem Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em. But instead of a fine He would stand them in line, With his common-law tool to impale 'em. Ethnologists up with the Sioux Wired home for two punts, one canoe. The answer next day Said, "Girls on the way, But what the hell's a `panoe`?" There once was a harlot at Yale With her price-list tattooed on her tail, And on her behind, For the sake of the blind, She had it embroidered in Braille. There was a young lady at sea Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee." "I see," said the mate, "That accounts for the state Of the captain, the purser, and me." There was a young sailor named Bates Who did the fandango on skates. He fell on his cutlass Which rendered him nutless And practically useless on dates. There was a young lady of Clewer Who was riding a horse, and it threw her. A man saw her there With her legs in the air, And seized the occasion to screw her. There was a young man with a hernia Who said to his surgeon, "Gosh-dernya, When carving my middle Be sure you don't fiddle With matters that do not concern ya. There was a young man of Khartoum Who lured a poor girl to her doom. He not only fucked her, But buggered and sucked her And left her to pay for the room. There was an old rake from Stamboul Felt his ardor grow suddenly cool. No lack of affection Reduced his erection But his zipper had just caught his tool. A squeamish young fellow named Brand Thought caressing his penis was grand, But he viewed with distaste The gelatinous paste That it left in the palm of his hand. She made a thing of soft leather, And topped off the end with a feather. When she poked it inside her She took off like a glider, And gave up her lover forever. A vigorous fellow named Bert Was attracted by every new skirt. Oh, it wasn't their minds But their rounded behinds That excited this loveable flirt. There was a young lady from China Who mistook for her mouth her vagina. Her clitoris huge She covered with rouge And lipsticked her labia minor. There was a young girl from Hong Kong Whose cervical cap was a gong. She said with a yell As a shot rang the bell, "I'll give you a ding for a dong." Van Gogh found a whore who would lay, And accept a small painting as pay. "Vive l'Art!" cried Van Gogh, "But it's too fucking slow I wish I could paint ten a day!" A young man who lived in Khartoum Was exceedingly fond of the womb. He thought nothing finer Than the female vagina, So he kept three or four in his room. There was a young farmer of Nant Whose conduct was gay and gallant, For he fucked all his dozens Of nieces and cousins, In addition, of course, to his aunt. There was a young lady named Smith Whose virtue was largely a myth. She said, "Try as I can I can't find a man Who it's fun to be virtuous with." When the judge, with his wife having sport, Proved suddenly two inches short, The good woman declined, And the judge had her fine By proving contempt of the court. The mathematician Von Blecks Devised an equation for sex, Having proved a good fuck Isn't patience or luck, But a function of Y over X. A lady athletic and handsome Got wedged in her sleeping room transom. When he offered much gold For release, she was told, That the view is worth more than the ransom. There was a young lady of Trent Who said that she knew what it meant When he asked her to dine, Private room, lots of wine, She knew, oh she knew! -- but she went! To train on the toilet was dull So Mom, on new methods, did mull Instead of a potty She taught the wee totty To output to slash dev slash null. There once was a man from Newcastle Possessed of a very large asshole Into which he - the churl - Would stuff nuts like a squirrel - His own, in fact; wasn't he facile? There once was a man named McNamiter, Whose organ was huge in diameter. But it wasn't its size, Gave the girls a surprise, 'Twas its rhythym -- iambic pentameter! While screwing his wife, Dr. Zuck In his ears his wife's nipples he stuck. With his thumb up her bum, He could hear himself come, And invented the Radio Fuck! A mathematician named Hall Had a hexahedronical ball, And the square of its weight, Plus his pecker, times eight, Was two-thirds of four-fifths of fuck-all! Under the spreading chestnut tree The village smith, he sat. Amusing himself By abusing himself, And catching his load in his hat.